To punish others is like putting more wood in the fire. Every crime already has punishment in itself, and it is more cruel and more just than the punishment created by people.
—Leo Tolstoy
Randall Stutman is asked a lot about parenting by the CEOs and executives with whom he works as a leadership coach. We already know his admonition about making fast transitions between work and home, but he has another piece of advice for high-powered leaders who also want to be great parents: Punishment should make them better.
It’s pretty fitting advice coming from a coach too. Think about it: A basketball coach who is disappointed in someone’s effort makes them do sprints or push-ups. It’s not fun and it makes the kid stronger. A football player who didn’t make their GPA has to go to extra study sessions. An athlete who gets in trouble off the court might have to do community service or write an apology letter. These are more than simple deterrents. They’re punishments that make the transgressors better both as players and as people.
When you get upset, when you catch your kid doing something they’re not supposed to do, make sure that you don’t punish them from a place of heightened emotion—whether that’s anger or fear or shame. Take a minute. Come up with a punishment that makes them better. Something that they wouldn’t choose to do but that is good for them. Vocab drills. Memorizing state capitals. Volunteering somewhere. Picking up trash. Painting the house.
They won’t like it, but one day they may actually thank you for it.