In a New York Times piece, Melinda Wenner Moyer (author of the fantastic How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes) asks you to consider perhaps the most counterintuitive idea in all of parenting: that maybe, just maybe, it’s not such a big deal when your kids misbehave. Perhaps, she proposes, this is actually a sign of how loved and safe they feel. She writes: Think of it this way: When kids are always respectful, complacent and obedient with adults, it is often because they are afraid of those adults. It’s not a coincidence that people who boast about how well behaved their children are may also be those who throw around phrases like, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
This is not to say that chaos is a good thing, that no rules should be enforced. It’s a reminder that before you write yourself off as a terrible parent because your kid challenged you or because they had a meltdown, consider what it means that they feel comfortable doing that in front of you.
It might actually be that they do listen to you—especially when you tell them that you’re there for them, that you love them unconditionally, that you want them to think for themselves. It’s possible they actually respect you quite deeply. But even more than that, it could be that they trust you more than anyone in the world.