In 2016, Jeannie Gaffigan found out she had a tumor in her brain the size of a pear. It was quite possible she would die, but if she didn’t, her recovery would be long and painful and she might never be the same. It was an incredibly difficult time for the Gaffigan family. In an interview, she explained just how afraid she was that her family would not be able to function or survive without her: I was, like, being wheeled into the OR being like, “My computer password is,” you know, “The Fresh Direct password is.” I was like, there’s just too much to impart. And as I was recovering, I realized that doing everything for people completely robs them of their ability to function. And so there were two things there. It taught me I was overcontrolling my life, my people, and my kids. And secondly, it should be that they’re just fine on their own. They don’t need the boot camp that I was running.
Of course, the lesson here is not that you or your kids’ coparent is not important. That would be absurd. What Jeannie realized is that by holding on too tight, by being so helpful, she was actually holding them back. “There I was, useless,” she said, “and everybody was okay. Everyone was fine. They were better. And Jim—stuff came out of him that he never had before. And things blossomed in my kids, and I watched it from afar. They didn’t need me, but they kind of did.”