Which teacher is more worthy . . . the one who savages his students if their memory fails or their eye clumsily falters when reading, or the one who prefers to correct and teach with admonitions that bring a blush to the students’ cheeks? Show me a brutal tribune or centurion and I’ll show you one who makes soldiers desert— pardonably.
—Seneca
As John Steinbeck was writing East of Eden, his son Tom was not taking school seriously. He was acting out. Steinbeck’s wife thought Tom needed a lecture about this. Steinbeck, then in the middle of writing about two very different, unruly sets of sons, knew that wasn’t quite right. “He needs more than that,” he wrote in his journal. “He needs infinite patience and discipline.”
Not only is that what your kids need, but it’s what we all need. Patience and discipline. Kindness combined with firmness. In an infinite amount. Nobody wants to be lectured. Nobody wants to be nagged. What we need is to be understood and held accountable.
Think of your own troubles as a kid. When you were acting out, when you weren’t taking school seriously, when you were getting into trouble, did getting yelled at help? What you really wanted—what you needed—was for someone to see why you were doing these things. You needed someone to guide you back to the right path and to help you realize the consequences of being off it.
Patience and discipline. That was what you needed. So give those things to your kids. They deserve it.