Each of us picked things up in childhood. We all have issues. We have baggage. We have flaws. The decision to have kids means we have to face those flaws. As Jessica Lahey, the wonderful author of The Gift of Failure (a great book for parents and teachers), said when asked about what she’s learned being a mother: Having to face the flaws I thought I could keep secret and buried from the world because I wanted to be better for this new person . . . The flaws in me I’ve been so good at hiding through excelling academically or being charismatic start to poke through because it matters to someone other than me. For me, those flaws are defensiveness around my potential flaws (go figure), my tendency to disconnect and be distracted from whatever is happening right in front of me in favor of whatever is next, and notably, substance abuse. If I’d never had children, I probably could have kept that stuff buried, but parenthood demanded that I deal with it . . . in order to model a healthy, loving, productive humanity to my kids.
If you want to be a great parent, you’re going to have to deal with your crap. You can’t carry baggage—it’s too dangerous with a kid around. You risk dropping it on them. There can be no more hiding, no more deferring. The bill is due and you have to pay it: in therapy, in conversations with your spouse, in the pages of your journal. You have to face your flaws. Because there are little people who did not choose to be stuck in the same house with
you and should not have to be trapped with a monster or a brick wall for a parent.