Preach the Gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.
—Francis Of Assisi
As a young man, the champion boxer and civil rights activist Floyd Patterson was all trouble. He stole. He skipped school. He got into fights. He once, tragically, took a picture of himself and scratched out the eyes looking back at him—because he didn’t like himself. So finally the authorities sent him away.
It could have been another sad chapter in a sad life. Instead, Patterson was lucky enough to be sent away to a boys’ commune in upstate New York. There, under the guidance of a kind and unconventional psychologist, Dr. Papanek, Patterson’s world was changed. For the first time, he was seen. He was more than “reformed,” in the language of the American prison system; he was loved. As Dr. Papanek explained his philosophy: Punishment teaches the child only how to punish. Scolding teaches him how to scold. By showing him that we understand, we teach him to understand. By helping him, we teach him to help. He learns cooperation by cooperating.
Most likely, your children have not found themselves in such serious trouble. Hopefully they are not as far gone as most of the people around Floyd felt he was. Regardless, the lesson is the same: In everything we do with, to, and around our kids, we are teaching them. Even when we mean well, even when they are screwing up, just as Dr. Papanek explained, we are teaching . . . often the very opposite of what we’d like to show them.