The father of the former chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel was a pastor in East Germany. He was beloved by his flock. He forged a deep bond with them over many years. But at home, things were a little different. At home, he was stern and impatient. “What really made me angry as a child was his way of showing so much understanding for everyone else,” his daughter would reflect, “but if we children did something wrong, his reaction was completely different.”
Clearly he was capable of being understanding and kind—he did it all day every day as part of his job. But maybe that was the problem: he’d used up all his patience at work and had none left for his family when he got home. Or maybe he held himself to a different standard professionally than personally, because it wasn’t in public. Or maybe he made the mistake that many of us do, forgetting that our children are little people with the same problems as everyone else, just of a different size. And because of that, we sometimes fail to treat them with the appropriate level of dignity, respect, and compassion.
You don’t yell at a colleague just because they left a door open. You don’t punish one of your players for wanting more of your attention and counsel. And yet children all over the world, throughout all time, can speak to relationships where that was the exact kind of treatment they received from parents who were at the end of their ropes and had run out of patience.
Be kind to your family. Make sure they get the same patience and understanding as everyone else. Actually, scratch that. Make sure they get more. Because long after you’ve left this job or stopped coaching that team, they will still be your kids.