Most people are proud, not of those things which arouse respect, but of those which are unnecessary.
—Leo Tolstoy
We say it casually. We mean well. “Make me proud out there, kiddo,” we say as they trot out onto the baseball diamond. “Make your parents proud,” we say as they head off to college. And when they do great stuff, we reward them by letting them know that the mission has been accomplished. They’ve made us proud.
We want this to motivate them. We use it, oftentimes unconsciously, to hold them accountable. But is this the way it should go? Doesn’t it sort of imply that they owe us something? That our support is not unconditional or implicit? That if they don’t score a goal or make the dean’s list or land a summer internship, we are therefore not proud? Our kids don’t owe us anything. After all, they didn’t ask to be here. It is we who are obligated to them, by virtue of our choice to bring them into this world.